“It' sort of like if you had to choose between listening to N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys; they both suck but N’Sync sucks less.”

~ Alex Berg

By Alex Berg  |  Send to Friend

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.

Fake Name: Miguel
Height: 5’5”
Weight: 155

Short Bio:
There’s a lot to be said for chronically choosing the wrong people to become involved with. Miguel was the first of a long line of dudes who were borderline personalities or just borderline crappy. Miguel had brown curly hair and big doe eyes that almost made his occasional stutter endearing. He was awkward as hell but when there weren’t varied peen choices, he always had girls hanging on him.

Career Highlights

-Miguel and I lived on the same floor freshman year. Given that the other dudes were facially challenged (i.e. busted), he was the most attractive by default and a few of us silly freshman ladies went after him.  He had no moves and was probably a virgin, but he was the best option on the floor.

-Miguel did not have any traits that made him particularly notable.  If he were a food, he would have been white bread. Case in point: his idea of wild fun was to scout cool speakers to plug into his computer, take them apart, then put them back together again (repeat cycle 20 times until the novelty finally wears off). Miguel wasn’t a particularly nice person either – he was polite, but not warm.

-We started our special friendship after hooking up at a party. He actually convinced me to like his bland personality, thus our flirtation continued for some time. Miguel regularly smooched other chicks but his game rested on the fact that girls chose to hook up with him because he was the least bad option (sort of like if you had to choose between listening to N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys; they both suck but N’Sync sucks less).

-Miguel and I had sleepovers regularly, but I had to pull the plug after he referred to his boner as a “cone.” I couldn’t deal with a dude who wasn’t that great to start with then referred to his peen as something that I eat ice cream out of. 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. Wino
A tasteful couple stuffs the woman's vagina full of grapes, then the male squashes the grapes violently with his own ramrod until he churns out enough sweet juice for them both to enjoy in a longstem glass with some bread and cheese

"Honey, I forgot to grab the Smiths a bottle of wine for tonights dinner! You know what that means, right?"

 

 

 

2. The “Dubya” Bush
Form the letter ‘W’ with your ring, middle and pointer fingers. Finger-fuck your partner with your middle finger and use the ring and pointer fingers to spread her hairy vag lips. Cunnilingus time!

That Dubya Bush is a real jerk-off. I came three times!