By Alex Berg  |  Send to Friend

9 Songs: Wherein we connive nine tunes to get you and your partner(s) in the mood -- or very much out of it.

 

9 Songs for Hooker Sex

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a partner or a friend to get it on with when desire strikes.  Maybe you’re a 38-year-old virgin and it’s time to break your pact with God or you’re just a 17-year-old horn dog who’s tired of fucking the couch. Whatever the case may be, one of the world’s oldest professions is a valuable commodity to us all: It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a new career or just wanna to get laid. Sometimes we all just have to find our next lover on Sunset Boulevard (or, for us here in the Illadelph, Kensington Ave). Play these tunes before you pay the bill, and don't forget to get tested after.

1. Roxanne - The Police
Tonight this classic might be wrong … You do, actually, have to put on the red light because I’m paying ya, bitch!

2. He’s a Whore - Cheap Trick
Deep down, we’re all selling ourselves for something.

3. I’m Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
Boost your pro’s self esteem and ask for a striptease to this one.

4. Prostitute 2 - Lil Wayne
An introspective turn; prositutes are people too and sometimes we even fall in love with them.

5. P.I.M.P the S.I.M.P. - Rick James
Hell of a beat to pull a trick to and why not get down to hooker-advocate Rick James?

6. I Wanna Fuck You - Akon
This is for the person who knows what they want and doesn’t like to send mixed signals. 

7. Trash A Go Go - Funkadelic
“Your honor… I didn’t pimp her just for the money!”  Sure.  And the Pope isn’t fucking Catholic(s).

8. Just a Gigolo - Louis Prima
You both get something out of this one: your hooker will feel like he/she made a new friend (you) during the transaction.

9. She Works Hard for the Money - Donna Summer
She’s gonna get you hard for the money.

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

 
1. The Elvis Presley

While defecating, a person receives oral sex from a family pet, resulting in a hybrid bestial-blumpkin. In a state of orgasmic joy and exhaustion, they pass out on the floor of the bathroom only to be discovered hours later by an innocent family member.

Little Timmy got taken away by social services after he caught his mom gettin’ the Elvis Presley from Spot three times.

 

 

2. The Marie Antoinette

After hours of rough anal sex, a man removes his blood-covered cock from his partner’s anus and paints a circle around their neck, creating the illusion that they have been beheaded.

I can’t wait to give Howard the Marie Antoinette on Bastille Day this year!